Title: Anki Torah / Halacha
Tags: Kibud_Av'Eim Kibud_Av'Eim_Standing_Up Kibud_Av'Eim_General_Principles Kibud_Av'Eim_Disobedience Kibud_Av'Eim_General_Assistance_and_Obedience Kibud_Av'Eim_Using_Their_Name Kibud_Av'Eim_Physical_Harm Kibud_Av'Eim_Reverence_Using_Their_Place Kibud_Av'Eim_Contradicting Kibud_Av'Eim_Honoring_Deceased_Parents Kibud_Av'Eim_Honoring_Relatives_Stepmother_and_Stepfather Actions_Food_ Kibud_Av'Eim_Honor_with_ Kibud_Av'Eim_In-laws Kibud_Av'Eim_Visiting and_Drink Kibud_Av'Eim_Making_Requests
On every note of this deck, unless a note says otherwise:
Source: Guidelines: Kibud Av'veim

Front: What are the Torah commandments of the mitzvah to honor one’s parents?
Back: There are four Torah commandments relating to this mitzvah: 1. To honor them (Shemos 20:12, Devarim 5:16). 2. To revere them (Vayikra 19:3). 3. Not to strike them (Shemos 21:15). 4. Not to curse them (Shemos 21:17, Vayikra 20:9).
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: General Principles

Front: What is especially significant about the mitzvah of honoring your parents?
Back: The fact that Hashem included this mitzvah in The Ten Commandments is indisputable proof that it is one of the most fundamental mitzvos of the Torah.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: General Principles

Front: Why is honoring your parents regarded with such gravity?
Back: The Sages derive from many verses that honoring and revering one’s parents is equal in importance to honoring and revering Hashem.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: General Principles

Front: What are the rewards for the mitzvah of honoring your parents?
Back: A long life, children who will in turn honor him, peace and prosperity.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: General Principles

Front: How is one required to honor one’s parents?
Back: In thought, with actions, and with speech.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: General Principles

Front: What is the greatest form of honoring your parents?
Back: A person who truly wishes to bestow honor on his parents should occupy himself with Torah and good deeds. People who see such a well behaved person will say, “Happy are the parents who raised such a child”.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: General Principles

Front: What is included in honoring your parents with actions?
Back: In a general sense, this means attending to all their physical needs. This includes: Ensuring that they have food, ensuring that they have clothing, fulfilling their requests like a servant for his master
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: General Principles

Front: What is included in honoring your parents with speech?
Back: To speak to them in a respectful way, to cheer them up when necessary, to avoid giving them instructions.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: General Principles

Front: What is meant by treating one’s parents with reverence?
Back: Not to sit in their regular place, not to contradict them, not to address or refer to them by their name, not to embarrass them.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: General Principles

Front: Must a father and mother be honored equally?
Back: Generally speaking, yes.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: General Principles

Front: Are sons and daughters obligated equally to honro their parents?
Back: Generally speaking, yes. However, a married woman is sometimes exempted from honoring her parents due to her responsibilities to her husband and children.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: General Principles

Front: What if a parent is not observant? Do the children have to honor them?
Back: One must nevertheless honor the parent. However, a parent who has totally rejected the fundamental beliefs of the Torah, chas veshalom, should not be honored. Nevertheless, it is still forbidden to cause such a parent any unjustified pain, whether physical or emotional.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: General Principles

Front: What if a parent is distressed due to the child fulfilling mitzvos?
Back: In this situation, the child must continue to maintain his Torah observance despite the pain that a parent feels.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: General Principles

Front: What if a parent is abusive? Do you have to honor them?
Back: One must honor even such a parent. Nevertheless, one is not required to be the victim of frequent abuse, whether verbal or physical.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: General Principles

Front: What if one was not brought up by his parents? Do you have to honor them?
Back: One must nevertheless honor the parents.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: General Principles

Front: Must an adopted child honor his adoptive parents?
Back: He must show them a reasonable degree of honor and respect out of gratitude for being raised by them, even though they are not his biological parents.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: General Principles

Front: Must a convert honor his gentile parents?
Back: Technically, the mitzvah of honoring them does not apply since a convert is considered as a newborn person with no parents. However, he must show them a reasonable degree of honor and respect out of gratitude for being raised by them.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: General Principles

Front: How should one repent for failing to honor one’s parents?
Back: He must ask them forgiveness. If he is aware of a specific failure, he should ask forgiveness as soon as possible. In addition, it is appropriate to ask forgiveness every year before Yom Kippur for general negligence.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: General Principles

Front: Must a minor ask forgiveness for not honoring his parents?
Back: No. Nevertheless, it is fitting to undertake some form of atonement when reaching the age of bar/bas mitzvah.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: General Principles

Front: What if one misused money received from a parent?
Back: If the money was given with the understanding that it should be used for a certain purpose, such as buying food, but the child used the money for something else, this is not considered stealing. The reason is because parents know that this sometimes happens, and one can assume that they do not mind. Nevertheless, it is preferable to ask forgiveness for not fulfilling their wish. If specific instructions were given regarding use of the money, it is considered stealing to use it for some other purpose.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: General Principles

Front: How should one honor parents with food?
Back: A person is obligated to ensure that his parents eat and drink according to their personal needs and desires. Whatever parents cannot do for themselves must be taken care of by their children, either personally or through another person
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honor with Actions: Food and Drink

Front: May one serve food to parents who do not recite brachos?
Back: Yes. When the child honors the parents and behaves politely, this might draw them nearer to the Torah and encourage them to fulfill mitzvos.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honor with Actions: Food and Drink

Front: Who must pay for the food bought for your parents?
Back: If the parents have sufficient means, they must pay for their food. If not, the children are obligated to pay.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honor with Actions: Food and Drink

Front: How should the children divide the cost of buying food for parents?
Back: According to the means of the children. Therefore, wealthier children should give a larger share than others and if necessary pay for the entire cost.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honor with Actions: Food and Drink

Front: May one use tzedaka money to buy food for parents?
Back: Ideally, a child should use his own money for this mitzvah. However, if he cannot afford to do so, he may use tzedaka money.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honor with Actions: Food and Drink

Front: What if the parent has savings but refuses to use them to support himself, does the child need to pay for their needs?
Back: The children are not obligated to use their own money. The same applies if debts are owed to the parent but he cannot be bothered to collect them. Similarly, if the parent is capable of earning a living but does not want to, the children are not required to support him.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honor with Actions: Food and Drink

Front: May a child use the parents’ money without their knowledge to support the parents?
Back: Yes. If one needs money to support his parents, he may take from the parents’ account for this purpose without informing them. However, one should verify whether such actions are legally permitted.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honor with Actions: Food and Drink

Front: Who should pay for the child’s travel expenses to honor their parents?
Back: If the child lives near the parents and could easily walk there, he must pay for his own travel expenses if he prefers to use transportation. If the child lives too far away to easily walk there, the parent should pay the expenses. The same applies if the child could walk but the parent needs the child to come quickly.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honor with Actions: Food and Drink

Front: Must a child miss work in order to attend to his parents?
Back: If he has a steady job, he must miss work even if this entails losing some of his pay. However, if he will lose his job by taking time off, he is exempt. If he does not have a steady job but finds work daily, he is only obligated to attend to his parents if he has enough money to support himself and his family for the next thirty days.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honor with Actions: Food and Drink

Front: How should one honor parents with clothes?
Back: A person is obligated to ensure that his parents are well dressed according to their needs. This might include any or all of the following: Buying clothes for them, dressing them, taking clothes to a laundry or washing them, repairing their clothes.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honor with Actions: Dressing and Bathing

Front: What if the parents’ house is cold, do the children have to do anything?
Back: The children must arrange for the home to be suitably heated according to the parents’ needs. Similarly, air conditioning or fans must be installed and used in hot weather.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honor with Actions: Dressing and Bathing

Front: Who should pay for the clothes and heat of the parents?
Back: If the parents have sufficient means, they must pay. If not, the children are obligated to pay.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honor with Actions: Dressing and Bathing

Front: What is included in bathing the parent?
Back: A parent who needs help when bathing should be assisted by one of the children. Due to considerations of modesty, it is preferable for a son to wash his father and for a daughter to wash her mother. A son should make an effort not to gaze at his father’s private parts.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honor with Actions: Dressing and Bathing

Front: What is included in general assistance of the parent?
Back: A child must attend to any need of his parents when he knows that this is required. For example: Help them enter or leave a room, building, car, bus, etc, arrange payment of bills, arrange medical care etc.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: General Assistance and Obedience

Front: Must all requests by the parents to the children be fulfilled personally?
Back: A child fulfills the mitzvah of honoring parents even by appointing an agent to attend to their needs. However, it is a greater mitzvah to do the tasks personally. If a parent states specifically that he wishes the child to do it and this desire is reasonable, the child must do the task personally.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: General Assistance and Obedience

Front: Must one fulfill a parent’s request immediately?
Back: There is a mitzvah to do so. Failure to carry out the task immediately might cause distress to the parent, which is a serious offence
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: General Assistance and Obedience

Front: What if the child is busy with something important, does he have to fulfill his parents request immdiately?
Back: He may tell the parent that he is busy, provided he speaks in a respectful way. Similarly, one may ask whether the job can be done later.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: General Assistance and Obedience

Front: What if one is about to begin a different mitzvah, does he have to do his parents request?
Back: If he must perform that mitzvah immediately, he should do so and postpone attending to the parent. If the other mitzvah can be postponed or it can be done by someone else, he should attend to the parent.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: General Assistance and Obedience

Front: What if one already began a different mitzvah, does he have to stop to help ones parents?
Back: He should first complete that mitzvah and then attend to the parent. If possible, he should inform the parent that he is unable to perform the task immediately.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: General Assistance and Obedience

Front: What if a child wishes to fulfill an optional mitzvah, should his parents request come first?
Back: Honoring parents has priority over an optional mitzvah even if one has to forfeit that mitzvah entirely. However, if the parents’ request will not provide them with any personal benefit (e.g. to help a neighbor), she may fulfill the other mitzvah.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: General Assistance and Obedience

Front: What if the mother wants to go to shul instead of the daughter?
Back: If the mother asks her daughter to stay home to look after the young children so that the mother can daven in shul, the daughter must obey. This is because davening in shul is optional for a girl or woman and the mother has personal benefit from going.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: General Assistance and Obedience

Front: Should a son interrupt his Torah study when needed by his parents?
Back: If a son is in the middle of studying Torah and is needed by a parent, he must interrupt in order to attend to them.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: General Assistance and Obedience

Front: Must one obey a request by his parents that gives no personal benefit to the parent?
Back: Opinions differ whether one is obligated to fulfill a request that does not provide the parent with personal benefit. However, when the parent will be distressed if the request is not fulfilled, one is certainly obligated to obey (unless one is told to do something foolish or childish). In any event, there is a mitzvah to fulfill the request even if failure to do so will not cause distress.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: General Assistance and Obedience

Front: What if a parents's request will cause the child discomfort?
Back: If this brings the parent personal benefit, the child is obligated. If this does not bring the parent personal benefit, the child is not obligated. In these cases, the child does not need to obey. The same applies if fulfilling the request will cause tension between the child and his or her spouse.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: General Assistance and Obedience

Front: What if both parents need the child at the same time?
Back: Generally, the child should attend to the father first. However, the mother takes precedence if her request is for a personal benefit and the father’s is not.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: General Assistance and Obedience

Front: What if the parents are divorced, who should the child honor first if they need the child at the same time?
Back: In this case, the child may choose to attend to either one first.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: General Assistance and Obedience

Front: What if married parents give contradictory instructions?
Back: If the father asks the child to do something and the mother tells him not to do it, he must obey the father. If the mother asks the child to do something, and the father tells him not to do it, he should fulfill her request if it is for her personal benefit. He should not fulfill her request if it is not for her personal benefit.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: General Assistance and Obedience

Front: What if divorced parents give contradictory instructions?
Back: If either parent asks the child to do something and the other parent tells him not to do it, he should generally remain passive and not fulfill the request. Nevertheless, it is advisable to consult a rav in such situations since the child might be obligated to actively honor one parent.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: General Assistance and Obedience

Front: What if a parent tells the child not to stay up late at night?
Back: If the parent is concerned that staying up late will have a detrimental effect on the child’s health, and the parent will be distressed by this behavior, the child should obey.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: General Assistance and Obedience

Front: What if a parent tells the child not to be a guarantor for people’s loans?
Back: If the parent knows that the child will be unable to stand by his commitment, the child must obey.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: General Assistance and Obedience

Front: Must a child living away from home visit his parents?
Back: There is a mitzvah for a child who does not live with his parents to honor them by visiting them occasionally. This apples even if the child is married.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Visiting

Front: How frequently should a child visit his parents?
Back: There are no set rules since this depends on the desire of the parents to see the child, the length of the journey, and the child’s schedule. It is certainly appropriate to visit parents on Shabbos and Yom Tov if this is feasible.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Visiting

Front: What if a parent is old or sick? How often should the children visit?
Back: If necessary, such parents must be visited daily to ensure that their needs are taken care of. If there are several children, they should organize the visits by rotation. If no child is available to visit, the children must arrange for someone else to go and attend to them.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Visiting

Front: What if a parent taunts the child when visiting?
Back: The child may refrain from visiting the parent to avoid emotional distress. If the parent needs physical care (e.g. feeding or dressing), someone should be found to do this. If no one else is available, the child must attend to the parent despite the difficulties.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Visiting

Front: Should married children live near their parents?
Back: If possible, children should live near their parents in order to be able to visit frequently and to be available when help is required. However, if personal circumstances require a child to live far from his parents, he may move away from their vicinity.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Visiting

Front: Is permission from ones parents required before moving?
Back: One may move without permission for any of the following reasons: To study Torah, to earn a livingn to find a shidduch if there are no suitable suggestions in his home town, for health reasons, if one’s shalom bayis is being strained while living close by, for the education of his children. For any other reason, permission is required. Nevertheless, even in the above cases it is preferable to obtain the parents’ permission to move.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Visiting

Front: How should parents be honored when they visit their children?
Back: They should be welcomed as important guests. According to some opinions, one should allow his father (or father-in-law) to sit at the head of the table if he wishes.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Visiting

Front: Who should be served first when parents visit?
Back: Technically, a woman should serve her husband before her parents and parents-in-law. However, it is correct in this situation for the husband to forgo his honor and allow his wife to serve the visiting parents first.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Visiting

Front: On which side of the parent should one walk in the street?
Back: It is a greater honor if the child walks on the left side of the parent. One should also allow the parents to enter or leave a house first.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Visiting

Front: What is the mitzvah of standing up for a parent?
Back: As a sign of honor and respect, a son or daughter whether single or married must stand up when either parent enters the room. This does not depend on the parent’s age or knowledge. If the parent is elderly or scholarly, the child fulfills two mitzvos by standing.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Standing Up

Front: What if the son is a Torah scholar, does he have to stand for his parents?
Back: He must stand up nonetheless.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Standing Up

Front: Must one stand up fully for his parents?
Back: Yes. One must stand upright on one’s feet and it is not sufficient to raise oneself slightly.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Standing Up

Front: Must one stand every time for their parents?
Back: According to Ashkenazic custom, it is sufficient to stand once in the day and once in the night. This should be done the first time one sees the parent in the morning and the first time in the evening. According to Sefardic custom, one must stand every time.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Standing Up

Front: What if other people are in the room, does a child have to stand for their parents again?
Back: If they have not seen the child stand up yet, he is obligated to stand up again so that they do not suspect him of ignoring the mitzvah. However, if only other siblings are present who have not seen him stand earlier, he is not obligated to stand again.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Standing Up

Front: At what moment must one stand for ones parents?
Back: When one sees the parent approaching even at a great distance.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Standing Up

Front: What if one is standing already, how does he gain the mitzvah of standing for ones parent?
Back: If he wishes to gain the mitzvah, he should sit down for a moment when he realizes that his parent is approaching and then stand.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Standing Up

Front: For how long must one remain standing for their parents?
Back: Until any of the following occurs: The parent is out of sight, the parent sits down, the parent reaches the place where he wishes to remain, the parent leaves the room, the parent tells or indicates to the child to sit.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Standing Up

Front: What if one needs to leave after standing for ones parent?
Back: If he does not need to leave urgently, he should not do so. Rather, he should first sit down when permitted and then stand again in order to leave. This will demonstrate that he is standing in honor of the parent and not for his own need.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Standing Up

Front: What if the parent does not see the child stand up?
Back: The child is obligated to stand nonetheless. Even if the parent is blind, chas veshalom, one must stand. The same applies if the parent is suffering from Alzheimer’s disease or similar and does not recognize the child.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Standing Up

Front: What if the parent is not intending to enter the room? Does the child still need to stand?
Back: In this case, there is no obligation to stand. For example: The child is in the dining room or bedroom and sees the parent walking through the corridor, the child is in the balcony and sees the parent in the street, a girl is in shul and sees her father enter the men’s section.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Standing Up

Front: What if a parent passes nearby in a car, does the child need to stand?
Back: There is no obligation to stand since a car is considered like a different room.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Standing Up

Front: What if a parent is being pushed in a wheelchair, does a child need to stand for them?
Back: One must stand.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Standing Up

Front: What if one is lying on or in a bed when the parent enters, does he have to stand for them?
Back: If he is dressed, he must stand up. If he is in pajamas, he does not need to stand up.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Standing Up

Front: Must one stand in a mikveh for their parent?
Back: In the outer room where everyone is dressed, one must stand. In the inner room where everyone is undressed, one need not stand. In the middle room where some people are dressed and some are undressed, one must stand only if both the child and the parent are dressed. Note: A son from the age of ten must not bathe or go to the mikveh with his father.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Standing Up

Front: Must one stand up in a barber shop for his parent?
Back: Yes. However, if the barber is in the middle of cutting the child’s hair, there is no obligation to stand. If the barber stops to take a break, the child should stand.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Standing Up

Front: Must one stand up in a bus or train for ones parent?
Back: Yes. In addition, if there is no place for the parent to sit, the child must offer his seat to the parent.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Standing Up

Front: What if one is at work when a parent enters, do they have to stand?
Back: One must stop work and stand unless he is an employee who knows that his employer objects to his making even a short interruption.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Standing Up

Front: What if one is in the middle of davening or Torah study, does he have to stand for them?
Back: One must interrupt and stand except if one is in the middle of the verse Shema Yisroel or Baruch Sheim.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Standing Up

Front: What if one is holding a sefer Torah, do they need to stand for their parent?
Back: He should not stand.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Standing Up

Front: What if one is sick, do they need to stand for their parent?
Back: He is not obligated to stand. According to some opinions, he should raise himself slightly. The same applies if he is sitting shiva.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Standing Up

Front: Must one stand for a parent on Tisha b’Av?
Back: Yes.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Standing Up

Front: What if a child is riding a bicycle when he sees a parent, does he need to get off to stand?
Back: He does not need to get off in order to stand.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Standing Up

Front: May a parent exempt the child from standing?
Back: Yes, but the child should nevertheless raise himself slightly. If other people are present who are not aware of the exemption, he should stand fully.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Standing Up

Front: May a child assume that the parents exempt him from standing?
Back: No, exemption is not automatic but must be explicit. Furthermore, even if a child asks to be exempted and the parent is silent, he cannot assume that he has been exempted.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Standing Up

Front: Must one ask for exemption from standing every time?
Back: This depends on the parent’s wishes. The parent may choose to exempt the child either on an individual occasion or on a permanent basis. It is preferable for a child not to ask for permanent exemption nor for the parent to grant it since this would degrade the mitzvah.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Standing Up

Front: May a parent withdraw the exemption to stand?
Back: Yes.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Standing Up

Front: Does one fulfill a mitzvah to stand when exempt?
Back: Yes. However, if one senses that the parent will be upset by this, he should not stand.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Standing Up

Front: How should children avoid upsetting their parents?
Back: It is a severe transgression to cause a parent any form of anguish, and children are obligated to make every effort to avoid such behavior. The following are common examples: Siblings should not quarrel when in the presence of their parents and should try not to quarrel even when their parents are not present. A child should talk respectfully to others when in the presence of a parent. It is upsetting and embarrassing for a parent to witness the child arguing with, shouting at, or behaving badly towards another person. Children should not make a noise or talk loudly when a parent is sleeping in order not to awaken them.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honor with Words: Avoiding Distress

Front: May one tell their parents sad news?
Back: The verse states, “The one who delivers distressing news is a fool” (Mishlei 10:18). Therefore, one may not tell them anything that might make them upset.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honor with Words: Avoiding Distress

Front: What if one is away from home for an extended period, how should he honor his parents?
Back: It is the nature of parents to be constantly concerned about the welfare of their children. Therefore, one should call home regularly to confirm that all is well and inform the parents about any relevant news.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honor with Words: Avoiding Distress

Front: May one wake a parent for the sake of a mitzvah?
Back: Yes. If the child is certain that the parent does not want to be woken, he must not do so even for a mitzvah.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honor with Words: Avoiding Distress

Front: May one wake a parent to take a telephone call?
Back: If a parent is sleeping, one should tell the caller that the parent is not available. If the caller insists that the matter is urgent, one may awaken the parent only if the child is certain that his parent will be upset to miss the call.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honor with Words: Avoiding Distress

Front: What if a child will upset his father by obeying his mother?
Back: If a child obeyed his mother and caused his father to be upset about what was done, he must not reveal that he obeyed his mother. Rather, he should accept the blame himself and imply that it was his own idea. Even if the father asks directly whether it came through the mother, he should lie in order to maintain peace between the parents. The same is true vice versa.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honor with Words: Avoiding Distress

Front: What is meant by speaking respectfully to ones parents?
Back: One should speak to a parent with refined words and a gentle tone as one would do when addressing an important person. It is certainly forbidden to argue with parents or to complain about something they have done.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Speaking Respectfully

Front: May one say “you” when speaking to a parent?
Back: Not only is this permitted, but it is also the correct way to speak. Using this direct informal form of speech demonstrates and enhances a close relationship between the parent and child. To use the formal third person is not appropriate. For example, “What did father say?”
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Speaking Respectfully

Front: How should one respond when called by a parent?
Back: One should acknowledge the call immediately and say that he is ready to come or attend to whatever is needed.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Speaking Respectfully

Front: May one join a parent’s conversation with another person?
Back: Yes, but it is forbidden to comment or reply to the other person before one’s parent.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Speaking Respectfully

Front: What if parents are worried or upset, how can a child honor their parents?
Back: If a parent is worried or upset about something, one can fulfill a great mitzvah by cheering them up and restoring their peace of mind. This is true even for a stranger but all the more so for one’s parent.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Speaking Respectfully

Front: May one ask a parent to do something for one’s benefit?
Back: Yes, if one asks politely.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Making Requests

Front: May one tell a parent to do something for one’s benefit?
Back: It is impertinent, and therefore forbidden, to tell a parent to do something for him. This applies even to a mitzvah and certainly to a mundane activity. Furthermore, the prohibition applies even if one prefaces the instruction with words of appeasement, such as “please”, or “forgive me”. Although it appears to be polite requests, they are in fact instructions and therefore forbidden.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Making Requests

Front: What if it is a trivial action that the child is asking the parent to do?
Back: It is still preferable not to instruct the parent.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Making Requests

Front: What if the parent offers to do the job?
Back: It is permitted to respond positively. For example, if the mother asks her son whether he would like her to make supper, he may say, “Yes”.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Making Requests

Front: May one tell a parent to do something for the parent’s benefit?
Back: Yes, if the parent is told in a respectful way. For example, to remind an elderly parent to take medicines.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Making Requests

Front: May one ask a parent for money?
Back: Yes. However, if the parent is reluctant, one must not pressure the parent to fulfill the request.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Making Requests

Front: What if the father agrees to give the child money but the mother objects?
Back: The child may only take the money if the father states explicitly that he wants the child to receive it.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Making Requests

Front: May one pressure a father for an expensive Afikoman gift?
Back: The child does not have the right to demand anything as a reward for returning the Afikoman. It is certainly forbidden to try to pressure the father to promise an expensive gift.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Making Requests

Front: What is included in treating one’s parents with reverence?
Back: Not to use their regular place, Not to contradict them, Not to address or refer to them by their name, Not to embarrass them.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Reverence Using Their Place

Front: What is meant by using one's parents place?
Back: It is forbidden to sit in one’s father’s or mother’s designated place. The following places are included: In the house, In shul, In the office or shop.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Reverence Using Their Place

Front: May one stand in their parents designated place?
Back: In the house, office, or shop it is permitted since this is not disrespectful. In shul or where they give lectures it is forbidden since these are important places even if only standing there.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Reverence Using Their Place

Front: What if the parent is not there, can a child sit in their place?
Back: The restriction still applies.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Reverence Using Their Place

Front: What if no one is present, can the child sit in their place?
Back: The restriction still applies.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Reverence Using Their Place

Front: May one sit on a parent’s bed?
Back: Yes. One may sit or lie on the bed even when the parent is present since this is not a place of importance.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Reverence Using Their Place

Front: May one sit in a parent’s special chair?
Back: If a parent uses a special chair, whether at home or at work, the child must not sit in it even if it has been moved from its usual place. However, one may stand on the chair in order to reach something.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Reverence Using Their Place

Front: May parents give permission to use their place?
Back: Yes. If permission has been granted, the child may sit in the parent’s place even if other people are present.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Reverence Using Their Place

Front: May one assume that he has permission to use their parents place?
Back: No. However, in certain shuls the established custom is to allow children to sit in their parent’s seat when the parent is not there. In this case, one does not need explicit permission.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Reverence Using Their Place

Front: Do these restrictions of not sitting in a parents place apply after the parent has died?
Back: No. Indeed, it is an honor for the parent if the child sits in their place in shul.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Reverence Using Their Place

Front: May a son sit next to his father?
Back: Generally, yes. However, at important public gatherings he should preferably not sit next to his father in a place of honor. If his father wants him to sit there, he may do so since this will give his father pleasure. Also, if they are davening together privately, the son should not sit or stand next to his father since he would appear to consider himself equal to his father. In shul they may sit side by side if these are their regular places.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Reverence Using Their Place

Front: When is it forbidden to contradict parents?
Back: With the exception of Torah matters, one must not contradict them in their presence. This applies whether others are present or not and whether one contradicts directly or indirectly. For example, “You are wrong” or “I disagree with my father” (direct), “I agree with so-and-so” or “I am right” (indirect).
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Contradicting

Front: What if the parent is definitely wrong, can a child contradict them?
Back: It is still forbidden to contradict the parent directly, even if the child’s view is a well-known fact. Nevertheless, one should try to correct the parent respectfully in an indirect way.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Contradicting

Front: May one contradict their parents in Torah matters in their presence?
Back: Yes. If possible, one should express his disagreement in an indirect way. For example: If the father knows that someone else is of the same opinion and the son is aware of this, the son should say, “I disagree with that person”.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Contradicting

Front: May one contradict their parents in their absence?
Back: In Torah matters, it is permitted when done respectfully. In other matters, it is forbidden according to most opinions. Nevertheless, care must be taken not to mislead people with information that one knows is incorrect.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Contradicting

Front: May a son debate a Torah issue with his father?
Back: Yes. When discussing or studying Torah together, the son may express a view opposing his father’s in order to clarify the truth. Nevertheless, the son must do so with reverence and should maintain a respectful tone of voice.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Contradicting

Front: May a son debate a Torah issue with his mother?
Back: Yes, but more care is needed when debating with one’s mother than with one’s father.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Contradicting

Front: What if a parent asks a child his opinion, can the child express it if it will contradict the parent?
Back: The child may express his opinion even if it opposes that of the parent. This applies to any matter whether Torah or other.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Contradicting

Front: What if a child is wrongly blamed by his parent, can the child protest?
Back: He should first ask for permission to defend himself, after which he may say, “I did not do that”. He must not state this immediately since this is a direct contradiction. Care must be taken not to speak lashon hara while defending oneself.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Contradicting

Front: May a child agree with his parent?
Back: If a parent is debating a matter with another person, whether Torah or other, it is forbidden for a child to state that he agrees with his parent. This shows a lack of reverence because it implies that the child’s words carry more weight than the parent’s.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Contradicting

Front: How could one show support for the parent?
Back: The child could offer the parent to disprove the other person’s opinion.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Contradicting

Front: May one agree with their parent in their absence?
Back: Yes. It is even an honor to show support for one’s parents by agreeing with their opinion.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Contradicting

Front: What is meant by using a parent’s name?
Back: It is forbidden to address parents or to refer to them when speaking to others using their first name. This is a gross lack of reverence, and according to some opinions it is comparable to pronouncing Hashem’s four-lettered name as it is written.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Using Their Name

Front: May parents give permission to their children to call them by their name?
Back: Opinions differ about this. Nevertheless, the child fulfills a mitzvah if he refrains from calling them by name even if permission has been granted.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Using Their Name

Front: Does the prohibition of calling a parent by name apply after the parent has died?
Back: Yes.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Using Their Name

Front: What if one is asked for a parent’s name?
Back: One is permitted to say the name if one adds a title. For example: Mr., Mrs., Doctor, Rabbi, Reb, Rebbitzin. Similarly, one may say, “My father/mother so-and so”.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Using Their Name

Front: Is it permitted to use a parents name with you add a title to it even when not asked?
Back: It is preferable not to mention a parent’s name in regular conversation even when adding a title if this is avoidable. One should be especially careful about this in the presence of the parent.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Using Their Name

Front: What if the gabbai asks one’s name for an aliyah, can you use your parents name?
Back: He should add the title “Reb” to his father’s name. For example, Reuven ben Reb Shimon. The same applies when telling the gabbai names of one’s parents and parents-in-law to be included in a mi shebeirach.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Using Their Name

Front: What if the gabbai wishes to call up his own father, can he use his name?
Back: He should say, “Ya’amod Avi Mori”.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Using Their Name

Front: How should one name a parent in prayer?
Back: If one is davening for a parent, e.g. for a recovery from sickness, he should state the name, adding only “my father” or “my mother”. For example, “My father Shimon ben Rivka”.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Using Their Name

Front: What if one’s father’s name is Abba?
Back: The children should call him “Avi” (my father).
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Using Their Name

Front: May one greet one’s father with “Shalom” if that is his name?
Back: It is preferable to avoid using this greeting unless one says Shalom Aleichem. Alternatively, other greetings should be used.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Using Their Name

Front: May one state the name of a parent by spelling it?
Back: Yes. For example, one may say, “My father’s name is mem-shin-hei.”
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Using Their Name

Front: May one write a parent’s name?
Back: Yes. For example, when filling in an application form or document, one may write the names of parents without adding any title.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Using Their Name

Front: What if one is addressing a person with the same name as one’s parent, can he use that name?
Back: One may call him by his name whether the parent is there or not. For example, one may ask a friend, “Yaakov, can you give me a ride?”, even if one’s father’s name is Yaakov.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Using Their Name

Front: To what extent must one avoid embarrassing a parent?
Back: Embarrassing a parent is a serious transgression and is included in the Torah’s warning, “Cursed is the one who disgraces his father or mother” (Devarim 27:16). Therefore, every effort must be made to avoid such behavior whether in public or in private.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Embarrassing

Front: What if a parent publicly abuses his child, can a child react in a way that would embarrass them?
Back: Even in such circumstances, it is forbidden to react in a degrading manner. If the child would be sitting amongst important people and his parent were to tear his clothing, hit him on the head, and spit at him, he must remain silent and not humiliate his parent.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Embarrassing

Front: What is the logic behind not embarassing a parent even if they are being abused?
Back: If, instead of the parent, a fearful king would behave like this, the child would certainly be afraid to react adversely for fear of his life. All the more so if Hashem Who is the King of kings decreed that the child should be treated in this way, he must accept that it was so ordained. However, it is certainly forbidden for the parent to behave this way, especially since there is a reasonable possibility that the child will react incorrectly.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Embarrassing

Front: How may a child correct his parent that is making a mistake?
Back: If a child sees that his parent has transgressed, he must not correct the parent directly since this is humiliating. Instead of stating, “That is forbidden”, he should ask, “Isn’t the halacha like this?” Similarly, if the parent is misquoting something, the child should ask, “Doesn’t it say like this?”
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Embarrassing

Front: What if a parent is in the middle of sinning, can the child correct them?
Back: The child is obligated to stop the parent immediately, but he must try to do this respectfully or through someone else. Only if this is impossible, may he act in a way that embarrasses or humiliates the parent.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Embarrassing

Front: What if a child is distressed by quarrels between the parents, can he say something to them?
Back: He should consult a rav for advice.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Embarrassing

Front: What if a child is asked to check some figures for his parent, if he discovers a mistake can he make his parent aware of it?
Back: If he discovers an error, he should not say, “You have made a mistake”. Rather, he should say, “There is a mistake here.”
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Embarrassing

Front: May one ever disobey a parent?
Back: Yes. If a child is told by a parent to transgress a halacha, he must not obey. This applies whether the transgression is a Torah law or Rabbinic, and it refers both to doing something forbidden and to refraining from doing a mitzvah.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Disobedience

Front: What is the reason that a child can disobey a parent in halacha?
Back: Since the parents themselves are obligated to honor Hashem, they do not have the authority to override His laws. Even a Rabbinic transgression is a dishonor to Hashem.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Disobedience

Front: What if the child is below bar/bas mitzvah, can he disobey in areas of halacha?
Back: He is nevertheless forbidden to obey the parent to transgress.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Disobedience

Front: Is this relevant to inter-personal relationships, if the parent wants them to disagree with halacha?
Back: Yes. For example, a parent tells the child not to forgive someone who wronged him or not to talk to someone whom the parent does not speak to. In such cases, the child should ignore the instructions. Since the Torah forbids one to hate another Jew, the parent has no authority to encourage the child to maintain such hatred. Nevertheless, the child should avoid angering the parent by openly showing friendship to that person.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Disobedience

Front: What if a parent objects to a child fulfilling a custom?
Back: Theoretically, a parent cannot prevent a child from fulfilling a custom if this is widely practiced and well-founded in halacha. However in practice, the child should seek guidance from a rav since there may be some flexibility regarding any particular custom. The Torah commandment to honor a parent might therefore override the custom.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Disobedience

Front: What are examples of widely practiced customs?
Back: To grow a bread or long peyos or to wear a gartel for davening.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Disobedience

Front: What if a parent instructs a child to follow one opinion in a disputed halacha?
Back: If their community follows the stricter opinion, the child must do so even against the parent’s wishes. If their community follows the lenient opinion and this is the parent’s wish, the child should consult a rav if he wants to be strict in this matter. The same applies if there is no local custom. If their community follows the lenient opinion but the parent is stricter, there is a mitzvah but not an obligation for the child to follow the stricter opinion if the parent wishes this. The same applies if there is no local custom.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Disobedience

Front: May one speak to a parent after reciting the b’racha Hamapil?
Back: If one has recited the bedtime Shema including the b’racha Hamapil and is then called by a parent, he is permitted to reply.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Disobedience

Front: What if a parent asks for something bad for his health, must the child obey?
Back: If the item is dangerous to the parent’s health, the child must politely refuse. For example, candies for a diabetic. If the item is unhealthy but not dangerous, the child should comply.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Disobedience

Front: May one hide the truth from a dangerously ill parent?
Back: If a parent has been diagnosed with a serious or terminal illness, one should not reveal the truth to them. In this situation, it is permitted to lie if necessary since awareness of the truth might cause a severe deterioration in the parent’s condition.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Disobedience

Front: What if a parent and son disagree regarding the best place to study Torah, does the child have to obey the parent?
Back: Strictly speaking, the son has the right to decide where he believes is the most suitable place for his success in Torah study. Nevertheless, parents can often assess the situation with more insight and objectivity, and therefore the son must give consideration to their opinion. It is strongly recommended for the parents and son to seek advice from a rav who knows the family circumstances well in order to avoid arguments and ill feelings.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Disobedience

Front: What if a parent objects to the son learning with a specific person?
Back: If the son finds success studying Torah with that person, he does not need to obey his parent. However, if the parent claims that the person lacks fear of Hashem or that he causes the son to waste time, the son should consult a rav to clarify whether his parent’s claims are well founded.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Disobedience

Front: May a parent insist on the son davening in a particular shul, does the child have to listen?
Back: Yes. However, if the son honestly claims that he can daven with more concentration in a different shul, he may go there even against the wishes of his parent.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Disobedience

Front: What if a daughter wishes to study in an out-of-town seminary against her parents wishes?
Back: If she believes that this seminary will give her a better Torah education than a nearby one, she may go there even if her parents want her to remain near home. Nevertheless, it is advisable for all of them to consult a rav to assess whose opinion is more acceptable.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Disobedience

Front: May a child move to Eretz Yisroel against the parents’ wishes?
Back: According to most opinions, the mitzvah to live in Eretz Yisroel overrides honoring parents and therefore the child may move there. However, a rav should be consulted to assess the situation since some opinions disagree, especially if the parents are concerned about possible harmful influences.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Disobedience

Front: What if a child lives in Eretz Yisroel and the parents want him to return to live in Chutz La’aretz?
Back: The child is not usually obligated to fulfill their request. A rav should be consulted in exceptional circumstances such as if a parent is seriously ill.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Disobedience

Front: May a child living in Eretz Yisroel visit the parents in Chutz La’aretz?
Back: Yes. A person living in Eretz Yisroel is permitted to leave temporarily in order to visit his parents.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Disobedience

Front: What if parents disagree with the child’s choice of shidduch?
Back: Technically, a child may ignore the parents’ opinion regarding a shidduch, especially if the proposed partner is of good character and on a suitable level of yiddishkeit. Nevertheless, a rav should be consulted to advise them how to take the right course of action.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Disobedience

Front: What is meant by not doing physical harm to ones parents?
Back: The Torah states, “One who strikes his father or mother shall be put to death” (Shemos 21:15). Although this verse is referring to a blow that causes bleeding, nevertheless it is still a Torah transgression to strike a parent even without causing a wound.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Physical Harm

Front: What if the parent strikes the child first, can the child strike back?
Back: It is still forbidden for the child to return a blow to the parent. A child who is mistreated by a parent and is hit violently or regularly should consult a rav.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Physical Harm

Front: May parents strike their children?
Back: Parents must not strike their children if there is a reasonable possibility that the child will strike back. If this occurs, the parent has transgressed by causing the child to sin. Furthermore, since it is forbidden for a child to verbally abuse his parent one should avoid hitting one’s child if this will be the expected reaction.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Physical Harm

Front: May a parent exempt the child if he would strike or curse?
Back: No. Although parents may forgo their honor, they cannot permit a child to degrade them in this way.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Physical Harm

Front: May a child massage a parent?
Back: Yes, provided that he does not cause a wound. Similarly, he may scratch their back.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Physical Harm

Front: May one shave or give a haircut to a parent?
Back: Yes. If the parent has sores on the head, care should be taken to avoid causing bleeding. Similarly, he may cut their nails.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Physical Harm

Front: May one remove a splinter from a parent?
Back: No, since this might cause bleeding. However, if no one else is available and the parent is in pain, the child may attend to it.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Physical Harm

Front: May one give an injection to a parent?
Back: If the child is experienced in administering injections and there is minimal chance of bleeding, he may do so if no one else is available. Preferably, the parent should first state explicitly that he forgives the child if a wound is accidentally inflicted.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Physical Harm

Front: May one draw a parent’s blood for testing?
Back: No, someone other than the child should be found to do this. Where there is a possible danger to life if the test is not done and no one else is available, the child may draw the blood.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Physical Harm

Front: May one give dental treatment to a parent?
Back: No, since this usually causes bleeding. Someone other than the child should do the treatment.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Physical Harm

Front: What if using someone else to draw blood or give dental work to a parent involves expense or inconvenience?
Back: A rav should be consulted to ascertain whether this is a sufficient reason to allow the child to perform the treatment. The same applies to injections and blood testing.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Physical Harm

Front: Must a married woman honor her parents?
Back: Generally, she is fully obligated in all the laws of honoring and revering her parents. However, when this interferes with her responsibilities to her husband and children, she is exempt from the mitzvah since her domestic duties take priority.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Married Women

Front: What if the husband gives permission for a wife to attend to her parents even if it interferes with her family responsabilities?
Back: She must attend to her parents.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Married Women

Front: What if she does not know whether her husband minds and her attending to her parents will interfere with her family life?
Back: She may assume that he does not mind and should attend to her parents. However, if she thinks that he will object, she should not attend to them.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Married Women

Front: Are any obligations of kibud av'eim applicable in all circumstances for a married woman?
Back: Yes, she is obligated in all forms of the mitzvah that do not interfere with her domestic responsibilities.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Married Women

Front: What if her husband instructs her to do otherwise, does the wife have to still honor her parents when it doesn't interfere with her family obligations?
Back: He has no rights to make her transgress. Therefore, she remains obligated, and she must not obey her husband to do otherwise.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Married Women

Front: What if her parents tell her not to honor her husband?
Back: They too have no rights to make her transgress. Therefore, she is obligated to honor her husband, and she must not obey her parents to do otherwise.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Married Women

Front: Must a widow or divorcee honor her parents?
Back: If she is looking after her young children and is unable to honor her parents fully, she should respectfully ask her parents to exempt her when necessary. Otherwise, she is fully obligated like a single woman.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Married Women

Front: How should one honor a deceased parent?
Back: The following restrictions that apply during the parents’ lifetime apply also after their passing: Not to curse them. Not to refer to them by their name without adding a title.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honoring Deceased Parents

Front: After a parent is deceased, are any restrictions cancelled?
Back: Yes, it is permitted to sit in their place.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honoring Deceased Parents

Front: How should one refer to a parent after their passing?
Back: One should add some form of memorial, as follows: During the first twelve months, one should add, “hareini kaparas mishkavo” for a father, and “hareini kaparas mishkava” for a mother. After twelve months, one should add, “zichrono liv’racha” or “alav hashalom” for a father, and “zichrona liv’racha” or “aleha hashalom” for a mother. Acording to some opinions, the phrase “hareini kaparas mishkavo (mishkava)” is used only when quoting a Torah idea. Otherwise, the phrases “zichrono liv’racha” or “alav hashalom” are used even during the first twelve months. This has become the widespread practice.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honoring Deceased Parents

Front: In which other ways can one honor ones deceased parents?
Back: Children can honor and bestow infinite kindness to their deceased parent by clinging to the path of the Torah and strengthening their overall performance of mitzvos. This will lighten the suffering of the departed soul that might have to endure fearful punishments in Gehinnom and enable it to reach higher levels of reward in Gan Eden. This is particularly appropriate during the first twelve months.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honoring Deceased Parents

Front: Are any specific mitzvos recommended to do for a deceased parent?
Back: The following are particularly beneficial for the deceased: Teaching Torah, studying Torah, being the chazan for eleven months, reciting Kaddish for eleven months, being called to the Torah for Maftir for twelve months, giving tzedaka, donating sefarim to yeshivos and shuls for Torah study, establishing a free loan fund.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honoring Deceased Parents

Front: Which mitzvah for a deceased parent is the most beneficial?
Back: The most beneficial is teaching Torah to others, and the second best is studying Torah oneself. Although reciting Kaddish is beneficial, teaching and studying Torah provide greater merit.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honoring Deceased Parents

Front: Must the Torah study for a parent be added specifically to one’s regular schedule?
Back: All the Torah study by the children of the deceased is an iluy neshama, even if it is part of their regular schedule. Of course, it is praiseworthy for them to increase their Torah study during the first year and on each yahrzeit. However, other relatives or friends must add some specific Torah study as an iluy neshama.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honoring Deceased Parents

Front: May the same Torah study be an iluy neshama for more than one soul?
Back: Yes.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honoring Deceased Parents

Front: Is Torah study for a deceased parent recommended at any particular time?
Back: Yes, on motzai Shabbos. This is because the souls of the deceased are taken out of Gehinnom for the duration of Shabbos in order that they too should enjoy a day of rest. On motzai Shabbos they need additional merits to protect them from the torments that they will have to suffer if they are condemned to return there.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honoring Deceased Parents

Front: What if the deceased parent owed people money?
Back: There is a mitzvah for the children or other relatives to pay off all his debts if they have the means. The soul of the departed has no rest until his debts are paid.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honoring Deceased Parents

Front: Should one name one’s children after deceased parents?
Back: The widespread custom is to do so, and this is certainly a form of honor to them. To name a child after a deceased relative of the parents is also considered an honor to the parents.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honoring Deceased Parents

Front: What if one’s parent was not observant, should children be named after a deceased parent?
Back: It is preferable not to name a child after a person who was not observant. If members of the family will be upset if the name is not given, one should have in mind that he is naming the child after a tzaddik who had that name. For example, if the father’s name was Moshe, he should intend to name the child after Moshe Rabbeinu or Reb Moshe Feinstein ztz”l.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honoring Deceased Parents

Front: Must one honor a stepmother or stepfather after they are deceased?
Back: Yes. The Torah includes the honor of a stepmother in that of one’s father and the honor of a stepfather in that of one’s mother.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honoring Relatives: Stepmother and Stepfather

Front: To what extent must one honor them a stepmother or stepfather after they are deceased?
Back: Almost to the same extent as one’s parents. This includes fulfilling their requests, speaking respectfully, not upsetting or embarrassing them, and not giving them instructions.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honoring Relatives: Stepmother and Stepfather

Front: In which way is a stepmother or stepfather honor different from parents?
Back: One must stand up fully for them only when they are within four amos (about 7 ft), and one may sit down as soon as they have passed by. If the stepson is a talmid chacham, it is sufficient to raise himself slightly and he does not need to stand fully.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honoring Relatives: Stepmother and Stepfather

Front: Is one obligated to revere step parents?
Back: No. For example, it is not forbidden to sit in their place or to contradict them. Of course, if the natural parent objects to such behavior, one is obligated to fulfill the parent’s request.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honoring Relatives: Stepmother and Stepfather

Front: May one call step parents by their name?
Back: It is not proper to call them by their name since this shows a lack of honor. The widespread custom is to call them “mother” and “father”.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honoring Relatives: Stepmother and Stepfather

Front: Who has precedence between a mother and a stepfather?
Back: The mother has precedence if both need the child at the same time. Of course, the father has precedence over a stepmother since he even has precedence over one’s natural mother.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honoring Relatives: Stepmother and Stepfather

Front: May the natural parent exempt the child from honoring the stepparent?
Back: Yes. For example, if a father tells his daughter that she does not have to serve her stepmother, she is exempt.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honoring Relatives: Stepmother and Stepfather

Front: Must one honor a deceased stepparent?
Back: There is no obligation. However, certain laws of mourning apply from after the burial until after the first Shabbos.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honoring Relatives: Stepmother and Stepfather

Front: What if one’s natural parent died first, does one have to continue to honor a step parent?
Back: It is proper to continue honoring the stepparent and all God-fearing people do so. According to some opinions, it is an actual obligation.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honoring Relatives: Stepmother and Stepfather

Front: What if the parent and stepparent became divorced?
Back: The child is no longer obligated to honor the former stepparent.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Honoring Relatives: Stepmother and Stepfather

Front: Must one honor a father-in-law or mother-in-law?
Back: Yes.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: In-laws

Front: To what extent must one honor a father-in-law or mother-in-law?
Back: One must speak to them respectfully and avoid upsetting them. According to some opinions, one is required to serve them.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: In-laws

Front: Must one stand up for a father-in-law or mother-in-law?
Back: Yes, but only from when they are within four amos until they have passed by. It is also sufficient to raise oneself slightly.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: In-laws

Front: May one call a father-in-law or mother-in-law by their name?
Back: It is not proper to do so, and the widespread custom is to call them “father” or “mother”.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: In-laws

Front: May one sit in a father-in-law or mother-in-law's place?
Back: Yes.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: In-laws

Front: What if one’s in-laws behave offensively, must one still honor them?
Back: One must nevertheless honor them. This is derived from Dovid Hamelech who continued to honor his father-in-law, Shaul Hamelech, despite the constant hostility that he suffered. A rav should be consulted for advice how to behave.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: In-laws

Front: What if one’s parents give instructions not to honor one’s in-laws?
Back: Unfortunately, this sometimes happens due to arguments between the two sets of parents. In this situation, one must ignore the parents’ instructions since they have no right to make one transgress. A rav should be consulted in such a delicate situation.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: In-laws

Front: Must one honor a deceased parent-in-law?
Back: Basically, no. However, a son-in-law should recite Kaddish if there is no son or brother who can recite it, provided his parents do not object. In addition, the Torah study of a son-in-law brings great benefit to the departed soul of his father-in-law. Certain laws of mourning apply from after the burial until after the first Shabbos.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: In-laws

Front: What if one’s spouse died first, chas veshalom, does one still have to honor a father-in-law or mother-in-law??
Back: One must continue to honor the parents-in-law.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: In-laws

Front: Must one honor grandparents?
Back: Yes. The same applies to great-grandparents.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Grandparents

Front: To what extent must one honor grandparents?
Back: To the same extent as in-laws, i.e. to speak to them respectfully and to raise oneself slightly when they come near.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Grandparents

Front: Must one honor a deceased grandparent?
Back: Basically, no. However, if there is no one to recite Kaddish, the grandson should recite it provided his parents do not object. Certain laws of mourning apply from after the burial until after the first Shabbos. See Guidelines to The Major Events of Life, Chapter Thirty-nine.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Grandparents

Front: Must one honor an older brother?
Back: If the oldest child is a boy, all the younger siblings must honor him. If the oldest child is a girl, opinions differ whether the younger siblings must honor her. Opinions differ whether a younger sibling must honor all older siblings.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Siblings

Front: Does honoring an oldest sibling apply to a half-brother or half-sister?
Back: Yes.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Siblings

Front: To what extent must one honor an oldest sibling?
Back: One should honor them in the following ways: To serve them food or drink when requested. To speak to them respectfully. However, one may call them by their name and sit in their place.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Siblings

Front: What if the younger sibling is a greater Torah scholar?
Back: The laws are the same.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Siblings

Front: May an older sibling forgo his honor?
Back: Yes.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Siblings

Front: Do the laws of honoring an older sibling apply after the parents have died?
Back: Yes.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Siblings

Front: Must one honor an uncle and aunt?
Back: One should speak to them respectfully if they are significantly older. In many communities, the custom is to add the title “Uncle” or “Aunt” to their name.
Title: Kibud Av'Eim: Siblings